Bitchy bitchy yay yay.

This chic is a BOMB - lily donaldson

I have a blog. Yes, the one that ur reading now s my blog. To me, blog is a diary that u give the permission to public to read it. Kan? So, when I say MY blog, I as well can say and can write whatever I want, because, I want too, and i dont need to be a fake polite prattle to bluff on my words, just to hide the dark side of me, just to weight on my goods and bads. I write just to make myself occupied, and I want memories to be with me and I would like to share it with my readers. So, if u dont like my attitude or U have problem dealing with it cuz u feel offended by reading it, I dont FUCKING care. I wont be losing anything, infact I dont need a person like u to advice me or to judge me. U r as bad as me, but, ur good at covering it up, and Im not? Why? Because Im for real, and Im living in a real world. Unlike you, poor girl, fake is not my thing. And now, it will be better if u just get the FUCK out from reading my blog and pleaseee and pleeease cross over my dead damn body if u wanna point ur index finger at me about how evil I am. Aww.And here I am now, cruising to my jet set ornate life, with my own chosen choices, living happily with myself, and pushing everyone, because they are such a mess. If u say Im a bitch, then u are a sore loser. Im sorry, i gotta do, wat i gotta do.

Where?

Where are the rainbows after the hot sunny rain?

Where are the sunshine from the view from my window?

Where are the perfect day without the sunny and content air?

Where are the birds, when the sky is so blue?

Where are the stars and moon when the day is dark?

Where are the sun when the day is cold?

Where are all the bees at the garden of my house?

Where are the love when feelings are all over?

Where are the piece, when the other half are left?

..And,where are my script, when parts are given...?

Ah, I guess I will just sit and relax, and watch it flow away. BUMMER.

xoxo

-

Thanks Ma. I love You.

*Im still thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and try to cope with words. No answers availbale but questions required. So, i am still in halusination and twisted. I light up another fag simultaneously, though the last one had burned to ash without me even touching it. After all nicotine is not the cure.

Arak kills

kenapa semua orang suka mabuk? kenape semua orang nak mabuk? mabuk bukannye best pon.

mabuk la buat aku tak bertegursapa ngan best fren aku fer few days sebab aku kiss bf die. Mabuk la buat aku nanges cam budak kecik. Mabuk la buat aku kantoi ngan parents aku 2 kali. Mabuk la buat aku dah tak leh blk lewat2 cam dulu2. Mabuk la buat aku gado ngan pompuan mana ntah. Mabuk la buat aku regret. Mabuk la buat aku kehabisan wang. Mabuk la buat aku buat keputusan yang tak berfikir dek akal. Arak la buat aku stuck sampai bila2. Arak jugak laaa buat aku cam tak tenteram je. Jadi, ape yg best nye mabuk nie?? Asal mabuk je tmbuh jerawat and gatal2 bdn. Kan menyusahkan tu. Mabuk jugak lah buat aku cerita bende bukan2 dan bukak card aku. Ish. Takkan org suka mabuk sebab tue? Org kebanyakkan suka mabuk sebab nak high and nak happy sakan. Not me. Aku tak happy pon bile mabuk, sakit lagi ade lah. Stakat nak happy and nak horny kena mabuk, tak natural la geng.. hehe. Legal way lagi terbaik. :D

Kesimpulannya, jauhi arak!

Dare To Change

Result is out, and thankfully, I did not repeat any of it, though the result was not very pleasant to me. But, still, Alhamdulillah I am glad that I don't have to face any juniors next sem. I realised my wrongs and I deserved it. But, I promise I will be a better person on 2009 and I will plan my schedule accordingly, and I wanna make myself organise with financial, studies, and as well as my leisure time. I hope! Less than a month, according to year, I will be turning 20. TWEN-TY, no more TEEN. Tua sial. So as i realise that I'm going older, I have to act like an older kid. Kid? Haha. Guess I won't change. :D Ughh! Dad is away fer 2 weeks, again!! My, my, my. Giler tak best! Gile boringgg. Why? Because there's no one to talk to me during the day and night, no one to see me cry, no one to console me, no one to entertain me, and paling penting no one to hear my BERRBUAL. Alaaaa!

*I wanna change to a beeter person. But, as easy as saying it, is as hard as doing it.

"If u have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost, that is where they should be. All u have to do is put foundation under them" - Henry David Thoreau.

***UPDATE***

I was pissed as hell, and puked right after some ass's cat pooped in front of the door. Where the hell is the motherfucking cleaner? We pay you for that, not fucking around some Nepaleans. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. The result of it, I have to fucking throw my fucking RM369 heels! Kucing aku pon tak berak kat kasut aku, ok. I swear to god, If i get to catch that lil culprit, I will chop its head to 16 chops and strangle its keeper to death. Babi dan fucker betol la..!! Just wait and see Miss Amy, I will do the same, infact I will even throw your bicycle downstairs and scratch your dad's Tuscani Sport and shower it with minyak ikan! Fuck you! To readers : Sorry for being harsh. Tapi u noe how I feel. I looove the heels, la!! Pakai on my birthday je and that was the only first and the last time I was wearing it because aku takut I might spoil it, untill today I had to dump it. Baby, gantikan plz! *nangis sampai darah*

Resulttt

so tense! so tense! so tense! so tence! I am as excited as hell to see my result, but at the same time, I feel like hell knowing that it havent been process yet. Lembap Uitm!

Dear Lord,

I know I did shits thru out my life, please give me some happiness today. I wont ask much, just a good result, and that will turn everything as perfect as Jessica Stamp's skin.

Light up the malboro and puff it like a chimney, if that can make u feel better and less tense. I am Crraaaaaavvvvingggg for it. Please, please!

Imaginary fren

while i was reading a book, i was thinking of having an imagenary fren. Like a fantasy guy, u see. Only I get to talk with him, and only me who get to see him. Like, he listen to me when I need to talk with someone in the middle of dawn, and be just beside me to watch me sleep and keep away mosquitoes from me. But I want my imagenary fren look just like my bf, baru bole feel lebih.

I wannnn an imagenary fren because i feel so alone in my room, and my fren in the house are ayah, mama, tommy, awe. Sucks, bukann? At least I want my fantasy fren to be beside me alllll the time, and i get to talk to him, so that I wont feel bored whenever I feel alone. And my imagenary fren kena tahan dgn my mood swings cuz he have to stay with me, and definitely he's gonna be my punching bag. dia juga kena lah dari golongan yang boleh membuat aku ketawa. ahah. ok lah aku merepek dah. iSelain itu, dia juga kena dari golongan bdn yg best, baru best peluk cam bf aku. Dia juga kena lah pandai menyanyi so tat mlm2 leh memekak buat roadshow nagn die n takde sape nak dgr suara dia. Ermm mestilah seorang yang kuat dan boleh angkat aku. Heheheheheh. Lagi apa ye? oohyeah tidak lupa juga, dia hendaklah jenis yang looovee melayan aku punye mengada n gedikness yg cam tahap cipan nie. Boleh? Dan akhir sekali, kena lah pandai buat aku tido sbb akhir2 ni aku dah ade penyakit insom. Babi tau. Err btw Im not a schizo!!!! aku just berfantasy lebihh je. sbb baca buku pasal imagenary fren. Mcm cooool je tgk. Bye!!

Cal

I neeeeed to lose some fats. I gained 1 kg masa kat Langkawi and it was very depressing. Sangat depressing. Planning nak turun till 43kg. But I gained til 46kg. Babi, bukan? Terima kasih chocolates. Saya amat menghargai awak. K lah nak tido, since bf ponnn senang lenang tido. Me jealous..

To BF : Rinduu la. :)

Andd to D, thanx for the breakie. Dude, u freaked me out laa tadi Fucker! Fuck you,fren. Im gonna tell ur gf bout what happened last night with *T*. Haha. U owe me one! :D.

Surveyyy

1. The person who tagged you is?
Suhaila Kamal

2. Your relationship with her/him is?
My BFF, I supposeee!

3. Your five impressions of her/him?
- Crazy
- Kinky
- Hot
- Lazy Bum Bum
- Baik Hati.. (HAHA)

4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you?
Bought me brownies on my birthday!

5. The most memorable thing she/he had said to you?
I love you.

6. If she/he became your lover you will?
Shower everyday and make out after that.

7. If she/he became your lover, a thing she/he has to improve on will be?
Wash her dishes.

8. If she/he became your enemy, you will?
I swear to god, we wont!!

9. If she/he became your enemy, the reason will be?
No way hozayyyy!!

11. Your overall impression of her/him is?
Christina Aguilera. Loooove buat suara Christina.

12. How do you think people around you feel about you?
Brat, and Cute

13. The character you love of yourself is?
Confiedent and take things easy even things gets hard.

14. On the contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
Trusting people too easily.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
Ayah. Secure and strong, yet funny and lovable. I love u, Ayah.

16. To people that care about and like you, say something.
Yo geng, bile lagiii?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 people whom you wish to know how they feel about you.
1. Muhsin
2. Sheeda
3. Sue
4. Eeka
5. Faris
6. Hani
7. Zewl
8. Jamm
9. Reeza
10.Epul.

Who is no. 6 having a relationship with?
Sufi.

19. Is no. 9 male or female?
Female

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
Hahahaha. They USEEE to be. AHAHAH.

21. What is no. 2 studying?
Civil.22.

When was the last time you had a chat with no. 3?
Baruuu je td kat YM. Poptong line la bf u tuee.

23. What genre of music does no. 8 like?
Alternative I guesss? And Mellow too.

24. Does no. 1 have any siblings?
Yupp. 3 lil sisters.

25. Would you ever woo no. 3?
Yeahhhhhhhh… Ride on me!

26. How about no. 7?
He’s allright too. No.3 and I shared No.7.

27. Is no. 4 single?
Nope.

28. What is the surname of no. 5?
Haa OK. Heee.

29. What’s the hobby of no. 10?
Say ‘BAIKKK PUNYEEEE’, with the action.

30. Does no. 5 and 9 get along well?
Tak kenal ponnnn.

31. Where is no. 2 studying at?
UITM, SARAWAK!

32. Say something casual about no. 1?
I love u, I nak u je, I rinduuuu u, I sayang U!!!!

33. Have you ever tried developing feelings for no. 6?
We have feelings for each other until now. Heheheh.

34. Where does no. 9 live?
Sunway.

35. What colour does no. 4 like?
Black, White..

36. Are no. 5 and 1 best friends?
Umm, they are classmates and they are friends.

37. Is no. 7 the sexiest person in the world?
Hahaha berangannn ade laaahhhh!!

38. What is no. 6 doing now?Umm, facebooking or having sex with her BF. :p

VEEVEE

Flat. Uncomfortable. Pain.

Nope, im not talking about shoes, but how I feel today. Im flat sick, and guilty at the same time cuz I wasnt around when boyfriend really need me to support him for his rugby tournament. Im sorry but I hope u know how I feel. Camne leh demam? Blame Langkawi and my parents and my grandparents. Panassss gilaaa okayy kat Langkawi and dorg lak asikk nak jalan je keje.

OK, whatever.

I feel tan, joy, and I feel relieved. As these days goes by, I feel like an adult. Not exactly like an adult but somehow somewhere I kinda feel that now I am happier by days, and statrting to appreciate every single things, doesnt matter wether if its black or white, as my memories or histories that written on my mind and keep it as something that happened in my life.

I can say that I am happy. So happy untill I wouldnt mind whats gonna happen between us, that can ruin it, cuz deep down I knoe that It wont happen. For trusting with confident it ant gonna appear, just vanish like how i feel it is. I'm not regretting for the 'thing' that we did, honestly. But I feel pampered and fun, and it's moving to a next stage. Its just something that made me scared was I don't wanna be a tester or a free gift, if u know what I'm saying. I dont wanna be those girls, but a true and the only one that u'r interested on.

As a matter of fact, I left something with u, u have it with you, and always gonna be with you. I hope that whatever I feel were true and I hope U feel it too. I love you, you.

***************************************** UPDATE **********************************

Yayyyy!! Dapat gakk jumpe boyfriend kesayangan. Thanx baby for coming over. Heeee. Congratsss sebab menang Rugbyy. Ni yang sayang lebih nie..!! Hehe. Looooooove youuuuu..!!!

Silent Mode

In my every relationships, 'this' matter will definitely occurs. In my 6 or 7 or 8 or I cant remmeber how many relationships I had, 'this' will get off from partners. 'This' is a feeling of how suck I am in showing my love and appreciation towards my partner. Ermmm, let me put that in my CLEAR words. I love my partner. N i appreciate him for what he had done and what he is doing now with me. I love the words that he spoke, and the caress that he showed to me all along I'm with him. I don't have any prob with him, but it's me who have a problem with me. Like?? I hate my eyes although to me they are the perfect thing I have but I hate them because I will look up and down and my eyes will do the talking, and sometimes it gets twisted with the words that I tried to delivered. I hate my mouth, for saying unlimetedly and sometimes my words are harsh and my languages are inproper and that is when mistakes and misunderstood occured. This ALLLLLWWWWAAAAYYYYYSSSSS happens! Farrrrkkkkkk!

I hate it when I wanna say something but my heart won't let me do it, and I fall to it. I hate it when I can't show how much I love him and how touched I am being his gf and how I appreciated him and his tenderness. I wanna show it but there's something like a big HUGE GIGANTIC obstacles that stop me. And that is when he will think that I'm not real and I dont love him.

Honestly, sayang, I love you. Sangat2. But like i told u earlier, I just dont know how to show it. And i guess, my heart matters the most. As long as I know and as long as I feel that i love you, there's nothing else to show. But I will try to show it cuz I want u to feel and to know that I love you so much. I'm sorry that I cant be someone that u expecting me to be, but I'm glad that u started to understand me and use to me. I know, I make you mad sometimes, but u didnt show it to me. I know I make u sad, but u seems don't mind but deep down u felt suck inside. I want us to be forever and I want it for real. I've had enough of boys, and I want a real guy. And i hope that u are my GUY, my Mr. Right not my Mr. Right Now. I want care n tender as our regular basis and intimate things as our holidays. There's a lot more to say but Some things are better left unsaid. Sometimes, silent is golden, remember?

Happy birthday.

I was lying on my clothes-all-over bed, as usual cant let go of my MP4. My mind was wandered at some place that I dont know, and suddenly, I feel like I want to write about something that were in my head at that moment. But, as soon as my laptop was on, and connected to the world of net, I was blanked blackout like having a killer massive hangover. So, i logged in to the world of lame myspace, and the boring facebook and started looking at my dearie Hani out of world pictures. Haha. Actually this is not what I want to blog about, but something that touches me just now. Urghhhhh. Babi punyee memory. Senang sangat lupa laaa. takpe lah, nnt aku igt aku update la lagi. Bye.



And to my deeeaaariee Mummy, HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY, MA. I LOVE YOU, DEARIE!

Is it any wonder.

By looking at the window, I can see that it's going to rain soon. With the gloomy sky, and kids stop playing outside, it's a sign of rain. And me feeling great because It's a perfect time to sleep. But before that, I have this thinking that sometimes I feel invisible. Like nobody sees me or nobody knows me. I know that this world are not supposed to be about me and it never always gonna be about me before. It just that, I feel lonely at times. I have no problems in making new clique and fit in a group, Its just that I feel bored because I dun have the siblings touch. I never wanted any siblings when I was younger, but as I'm getting bigger, I'm starting to feel like having a lil sisters or brothers to color my life and it's nice to see them grow up and getting smarter by days. I miss that for a lifetime.
And for anyone who had the connection with someone, even if it only takes 5 minutes or less, its really imortant. For once, I didnt feel that I'm living in a different world, but, infact there was a person that i love, n respect, and who had a piece of my heart, who felt the same way as I do. You know how I feel these days. I didnt feel so alone, Even better than that, I felt as if I was floating on air.

Purple

Grrrrr. I made a mistake. Made a deal with a friend to sell of my handphone. Yepppp, my purple gorgeous hp ( hehehe ). Andd, he's buying it on Sunday. Its sookaay didie, I can get a better phone. Ughhh! For the moment, I will be using my Biasa Biasa Aje's handphone, keep the money that I will be getting on Sunday, and buy a new canggih ayo technology handphone. Kan? Make sure I didnt use the money la for my shoes and bags. Ask mummy to keep it for me, and by end of December, insyaAllah I will buy a new handphone. Amin.

*I'm gonna miss u, phone.

And to Bob, it was nice dealing with you. :)

Gemuk

I am happy. And when I'm happy, I tend to get verrrrry verrrrrrrrrrrrrry lazy. And when I'm happy and lazy I stink myself, eat junk foods and snacks, and since dad bought me a Sony Mp4, all i was doing was lazing around ARES and LIMEWIRE and downloaded songs. Anddddd thats were the reasons why I dont blog frequently anymore. I'm not saying that I'm not happy before since I posted 2 - 3 posts a day, it's just that, not as happy as I am now.

Life is getting better and happier by days, and hopefully it will shine till I'm bored of 'happy mood' and make way for 'stress and gloomy mood', which I don't think that it will get to cross my path of life. Fuck you, STRESS!

Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend. Remember? Blame him for turning me into a lazy bump. Blame him for making me fat, cuz I munched on junk foods and snacks to standardize it with my mood. He made me become a sweet tooth and I might spoil my teeths for repeating the sweeeet words from him. Jahat la baby. Hehehehe.

As far as I remember, I love him. I'm not saying this for the sake of saying it for making him happy or making myself better. I'm saying it from the heart until it blurts out from my mouth. And if u people still remember, I used to think negatively towards him, and I don't trust him before. Remember? Well, i guess not anymore. It's just a tiny little dirty voices that wont come between us to break it or to crush it. I can't say anything anymore because words just can't describe me and my feeling. Let it be, and let him judge me n my feeling.

I love him.

**Went for a date with him to KLCC and embarassment conquers me. Heels boleh pulak patah and tercabut kat entrance KLCC. BAABBBIII and sumpahhhh malu OKKKKK?? So, he had to be my life saviour and bought me a gorgeous heelllsssss. Good taste, honey! Love u more for that.